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Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in
Theodora's LiveJournal:
| Friday, July 22nd, 2011 | ||
| 3:33 pm | Serious Question Time: Gastric Bypass Dear LJ folks, I would like to hear all your arguments for or against gastric bypass surgery (specifically, as an option for me) and any and all relevant studies or personal experiences. Disclosure: --I am a diabetic who takes over 400 units a day of insulin, plus metformin. --Insulin resistance is an issue. --I currently weigh over 400 lbs; no accurate scale at present. --I have major knee issues and back issues, preventing walking more than short distances and standing for long periods. --Given issues mentioned previously, I cannot do most standard exercises but am looking for alternatives. --My left leg has been swollen constantly since my car accident in 2005, but nothing has shown up on x-rays and other tests as a cause. --The left foot swells periodically very badly at the ankle such that it has to be elevated for extended periods of time. --Limited mobility and weight gain have fed into existing issues with depression. And...go. Current Mood:  pensive | |
| 12:25 pm | This thing on? < insert meaningful dialogue here > Will be adding commentary sometime this weekend. It's been such a long time. Priorities need shifting. --end. Current Mood:  busy | |
| Thursday, March 10th, 2011 | ||
| 2:13 pm | So tired, but bears a major mention Dear folks, I am in the middle of a grading marathon, and I'm seriously slowing down, but I just wanted to mention that things are looking a little better right now. James has been away for three weeks in Colorado, but he comes home tomorrow. And the reason he's been away is... HE GOT A JOB!!! And it's a real job, with nifty extras. Less nifty about the three-week training far, far away, but as they say, you do what you have to do so you can do what you want to do. I've been carrying the mutual financial burden (with massive assistance from my mother) for a long time now; this will help us actually make it on our own, and maybe even consider future plans. I have to run, because I'm losing time like whoa, but I felt I should share the good news just as readily (indeed, more so) as I have charted my time down in the depths of major stress and depression. I just want to see him again. --Karen Current Mood:  drained(1 scratch | pet me now) | |
| Tuesday, January 18th, 2011 | ||
| 1:34 am | Unsure. Fundamentally unsure about what is in my immediate and/or year-length future. Learning clever new subtle nuances of pain palettes. Cannot find an answer that fits. Cannot shoehorn any others in long enough. Feeling so isolated. Knowing that contact would alleviate this until I began to hold others back with my limitations and become unfun again. Missing the security of a fallback, emotional or otherwise. Afraid I will be dead by the end of the decade or a hulking husk only able to wish it were so. Cannot be arsed to care if people take issue with whining or drama or similar. Better than cutting. I miss my dad. I miss the concept of family-that-I-didn't-have. I miss who I was. Current Mood:  sad | |
| Friday, August 27th, 2010 | ||
| 4:30 pm | Things I think about. Dear Folks, It's been roughly half a year since I wrote here last. I've been working my ass off and not feeling very awesome and only seeing friends occasionally. And that sums up all that time, really. Today I'm feeling pretty horrible, and so naturally I feel I must share it with the world via Facebook but in an obscure way so as not to overshare. Status message: Karen Smith appreciates the value of consciousness but is not feeling it today. I check my email just a bit ago and find this comment on my status: Kathleen Duey: Theodora Nerak is standing in front of the door of the cheese shop, furious and strong and staring someone down. Just an update.... I still feel like shit, mind you, from a physical pain standpoint, but how can I not feel better when an author I LOVE leaves a message to me about a character based on me that she chose to write into her book? It would just be ungrateful. To the universe. Gods bless you, Kathleen Duey. I love you. --And I love you all. Current Mood:  full | |
| Tuesday, January 5th, 2010 | ||
| 2:04 am | Beginning of the year again. Now I have to remember to change all the dates on the end to 2010. A little stressed right now. Lots of things to do and not feeling well. Extreme cold (for here, anyway) not helping the doing or the feeling better. Wishing it was snowing and the school would cancel for a snowday. Wishing also for focus to Get Shit Done. Love to all. Current Mood:  stressed | |
| Tuesday, December 22nd, 2009 | ||
| 1:03 am | A rare Christmas Meme
Current Mood:  awake(1 scratch | pet me now) | |
| Monday, December 21st, 2009 | ||
| 1:26 am | Long overdue response to ![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif?v=92.1){kind=small} amaz0n_princess's Borg MemeThis is what happened: • Leave me a comment saying "Resistance is Futile." • I'll respond to the first five by asking you five questions so I can satisfy my curiosity (I'll ask more questions if more people want to play...) • Update your journal with the answers to the questions • Include this explanation in the post and offer to ask other people questions (I'll also answer more, if asked) My questions from J, now answered: ( cut so's I don't hear about it later...;) ) So...anyone who wants to play, just do the same: leave "Resistance is futile" in the comments. Current Mood: sleepy | |
| Monday, December 7th, 2009 | ||
| 2:59 am | Argh. Dealing with paper paralysis X 2. Due by 7pm. So tired. Argh. Song choice relevant. Current Mood: stressed | |
| Friday, October 16th, 2009 | ||
| 4:50 am | Music as I listen to rain and ponder the things that keep me from sleeping. (for jane_lane18, the Josh Homme version)Current Mood:  blank | |
| Thursday, October 8th, 2009 | ||
| 4:03 am | In flux. Too many things confuse me right now. I don't know what I'm doing or feeling or what's happening half the time, because the moment I think I've got a fix on it, things change. There's a new story--a new song and dance--and I have to try to follow the tune and maintain the choreography; I can't afford not to. I can hear myself utter jarring, sour notes and watch myself lumber awkwardly and gracelessly--all the while screaming at myself to stop talking, to stop moving, to stop flailing--and yet I cannot stop it. Sometimes I long for white noise. At least then I could find some kind of pattern again for myself without all the outside interference. Sometimes I look at myself long enough in the mirror that I start to lose all coherence as a self and become some strange mountain of lumpy, spotty other-flesh that bears no resemblance to anything connected to my identity. I explore the hills and valleys of pockmarked puckers, pits and pores across the roadmap of facial flesh, and wonder how my consciousness can be trapped inside this. It's more surreal than any Dali image, and sometimes I feel if I stare long enough, I'll suddenly erupt from the mountain in a shower of blood, bone chips, and viscera. I'll finally have enough space to radiate in all directions past my fears and striving--and the freedom to condense into the tightest ball of self-conviction possible--in a way that this battered, broken-down hulking fleshprison could never allow. Current Mood: dissociative (1 scratch | pet me now) | |
| Friday, September 18th, 2009 | ||
| 4:37 am | One of those. I should be asleep but am still up and thinking. The rain lulls me to sleep one minute, and then leads me to block out the passing of time as I range all over the internet. There's so much to be done, and I'm so tired. I try to sleep, but while I do eventually succumb, it's not long till I'm awake and flipping over my pillow again. There is precious little rest happening. I have to keep trying. At some point, I'm convinced, I'll get it right, and I'll wake up with optimism and with the emotional and physical energy to look the day in the eye and kick its ass. Am about to go give it another shot. Current Mood: drained | |
| Wednesday, September 2nd, 2009 | ||
| 9:48 pm | It's that time again... Dragon*Con time! My job situation monster-sucks and is falling apart a little, but I refuse to let it ruin the one long weekend I have to enjoy myself and do things for other people. There'll be enough time after the holiday for that sort of thing. I'll be working in the YA Lit track room pretty much the entirety of con, unless I manage to drag myself to some of the music. Faith and the Muse, Cruxshadows, Voltaire, Abney Park, AND Hellblinki Sextet?? I have to see these. The YA Lit track room is in the Marriott on the Atrium level, down the hallway between Pulse and the Atrium ballroom that's under the upper level of Pulse. A707. Come find me! (I'm also staying in the Marriott, so I'll likely be around there most of the con.) I love you guys, and I hope to see many of you soon, and I'll miss those I won't see (thinking of you, Crystal!). Bye for now. Current Mood: busy | |
| Thursday, August 6th, 2009 | ||
| 11:55 pm | Brief reflection before preparing for class. There are so many things are are truly fucked up in my life. And there are so many things for which I am unendingly grateful and conscious of the gifts that they are to me. One question. Why do they so often seem to be the same things? Current Mood: sick | |
| Tuesday, July 21st, 2009 | ||
| 12:59 am | a few notes. Dear Readers, In case you ever thought "Hey! Bronchitis! Let's give that a try"--please rethink this. I am under the weather and behind right now with teaching stuff as a result; missed work Monday. Am doing my dead-level best to make it in tomorrow, but it's not going to be pretty. I'm an adjunct; I have no expectation of work beyond the current quarter unless they tell me otherwise, and it's only my first with them. I have to prove myself, and that doesn't happen when you miss work. I missed my library job Monday too--apparently I wasn't the only sick person, either. Am going to try to make it to this job also. As for later--we'll see how the rest goes. Happy birthday to my D and anyone else I have missed congratulating over the past while since I've posted. I love everyone; I'm just wiped out. Current Mood: sick | |
| Wednesday, July 15th, 2009 | ||
| 4:55 am | We pause now for a commercial break... "We are here at the Regal Hollywood 24, where we've secretly replaced Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince with this underwhelming film. Let's see if anyone can tell the difference!" Current Mood: drained | |
| Tuesday, June 23rd, 2009 | ||
| 11:48 pm | Must have just missed you. Left you a message while you were out: (The feet belong to James--I wish you could have met him.) Current Mood: numb | |
| Friday, May 1st, 2009 | ||
| 1:46 am | A little light meme-sheepery Prompted by the ever-excellent silverdragon729:Comment on this entry, and I will: 1. Tell you why I friended you. 2. Associate you with something - fandom, a song, a color, a photo, a word etc. 3. Tell you something I like about you. 4. Tell you a memory I have of you. 5. Ask something I've always wanted to know about you. 6. Tell you my favorite user pic of yours. 7. In return, you must post this in your LJ ---------------------------------------- I like this one, as it focuses more on my fabulous friendfolks. :) Current Mood: sick | |
| Tuesday, April 14th, 2009 | ||
| 12:32 am | If you're interested. Tagged by cee_mTagging: kantar, bevlovesbooks, silverdragon729, bedivere, lieran, moonnroses82, zamiel, jillmaddoxcmFirstly: People who have been tagged must write their answers on their blog and replace any question that they dislike with a new, original question. Secondly: Tag eight people. Don't refuse to do that. Don't tag who tagged you. See above list! ( here it is ) That's about it. Current Mood: pensive | |
| Wednesday, March 11th, 2009 | ||
| 9:25 am | This Is The Day Well... you didn't wake up this morning, 'cause you didn't go to bed. You were watching the whites of your eyes turn red. The calendar on your wall is ticking the days off. You've been reading some old letters. You smile and think how much you've changed. All the money in the world couldn't buy back those days. You pull back the curtains, and the sun burns into your eyes. You watch a plane flying across a clear blue sky. This is the day your life will surely change. This is the day when things fall into place. You could've done anything, if you'd wanted. And all your friends and family think that you're lucky. But the side of you they'll never see Is when you're left alone with the memories That hold your life together like glue You pull back the curtains, and the sun burns into your eyes, You watch a plane flying across a clear blue sky. This is the day your life will surely change. This is the day when things fall into place. This is the day your life will surely change... Current Mood: blank | |
Dear Santa...